The Shallow Pond

"One of the most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to go deeper and discuss matters substantially. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean."
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/how-to-recognise-a-narcissist/menu-id-1469/

I've been trying to think more kindly of my FIL, even as my husband and I detach ourselves from his life. But it's not easy.

He wanted to have a discussion with me many years ago about a certain point of doctrine from our scriptures. That was a mistake. "Discussions" for him are never give and take; they are opportunities for him to point out others' shortcomings. The discussion ended up being an indictment of the son of my best friend, a young man about to leave on a mission to a foreign country. The young man had quoted a scripture that FIL thought underscored this young man's "pride." I was appalled when I discovered later that FIL had gone to my best friend's house, and instead of offering him support and encouragement on his imminent two-year absence, instead excoriated him for the (misread) "sin" of being like the humble prophet in the scripture.

My friend will not speak to FIL, understandably. I will not have doctrinal discussions with him.

FIL likes to go to farm meetings to bring up obscure or unrelated questions that no one can or wants to answer. Or they are questions someone already answered half an hour before. He thinks this shows how smart he is. My husband and nephew refuse to take him to farm meetings at all.

During my husband's excellent Sunday School lesson a few days ago, FIL raised a question about where something happened in obscure religious history. Then he answered it himself. Although he presents a persona of meek and mild humility, The Humble-Pie Man, he really likes to dazzle people with his intellect. He likes to mention his famous religious forebears in passing. He likes to ask questions constantly and sits in the middle up front so the teacher can't avoid seeing his hand creeping up. My husband handles this pretty well, but I've seen other teachers founder on my FIL's obsessive desire for attention from his church going neighbors. It's where he does his best work.

Another member of the Sunday School class (my best friend, actually) raised her hand and referred to the manual with the proper answer, which wasn't the same as his. He spent the rest of the class time injured, paying no attention to anything else. In the last two minutes of the class he raised his hand yet again and insisted that his first answer was the correct one.

He missed the entire lesson planning on how to stun everyone, but then, this is how it always has been. This is a man who is dependent on others to the point that he cannot plan an outing, much less an airplane ticket, on his own. He cannot keep records, make schematics, or even rationally explain his genius inventions. He cannot manage the navigation it takes to deliver Meals on Wheels. He constantly gets confused trying to provide one meal a month for our local missionaries. He cannot make a dental or doctor appointment on his own. He can't breed cows or do anything that takes advance planning. He refuses to clean up after himself, and will not listen to anyone's opinion that does not agree with his.

A pond pretending to be an ocean.