Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

I have been reading Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, one of the world's foremost experts on domestic abuse, who worked 15 years with abusive men who run afoul of the legal system. I recommend it highly.

The one mention of narcissism, on p. 103, explains that the difference between any abusive man and a narcissist who abuses is a) an abusive man usually reserves his abuse for his partner while a narcissist's abuse carries over into situations that don't involve the partner; b) he (the narcissist) seems to relate everything back to himself; and c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could every be anything other than kind and generous. "This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication."

Lundy does point out that when pressed, abusive men will admit that their behaviors are abusive. You can't get that admission from a narcissist.

"This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men," perhaps because narcissism is diagnosed in a very small number of people in the first place. Lundy's assertion that this condition is highly compatible with abusiveness bears out the  view that narcissists are abusers by another name, whether they realize what they are doing or not.

Lundy absolutely nails the behaviors, and gives insights into what works and what doesn't when dealing with the behaviors, and why.

He explains abuse this way: The term abuse is about power; it means that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit or control someone else. The defining point of abuse is when the man starts to exercise power over the woman in a way that causes harm to her and creates a privileged status for him.

I was especially interested in the Why? of Why Does He DO That? 
On p. 152, Lundy describes the privileges of being an abuser:

1. The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control—a sensation that can create a potent, thrilling rush.
2. Getting his way, especially when it matters most. He rarely has to compromise, gets to do the things he enjoys, and skips the rest. He ends up with the benefits of being in an intimate relationship without the sacrifices that normally come with the territory.
3. Someone to take his problems out on.
4. Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him. No abusive man does his share of the work in a relationship. On a deeper level the abuser seems to realize how hard his partner works, because he fights like hell not to have to share that burden.
5. Being the center of attention, with priority given to his needs.
6. Financial control.
7. Ensuring that his career, education, or other goals are prioritized
8. Public status of partner and/or father without the sacrifices
9. The approval of his friends and relatives
10. Double standards. An abusive man subtly or overtly imposes a system in which he is exempt from the rules and standards that he applies to you.

"Is it any wonder that abusive men are reluctant to change? If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation."