"Narcissists feel that, unless they are better than anyone else, they are worse than everybody in the whole world." - Joanna Ashmun
I didn't realize the depths of desperate envy and covetousness running like a dark undercurrent in my husband's family for many years. This was because I did not experience it in my own, and I did not recognize it, except to feel sorrow and grief from the stunted family relationships and the failure of maturity that I could not understand or explain.
Dante's definition of envy and covetousness is "love of one's own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs." In our case,the envy began fairly soon, since my husband from the moment we moved back to the farm, was successful materially and given the reputation and respect that his father and brother craved and rarely received.
It explained why FIL loved to dress down my husband for perceived slights and disobediences in front of strangers. It explained why he encouraged and exploited the envy of Brother and Sister Twin for the rest of the family, why he reveled in hearing them recount unforgiven childhood slights magnified into adult competition of the worst kind. It came close to giving me understanding that FIL's own relationship with his own parents and siblings was less than ideal, so the failure of his own children to live harmoniously would not be a reproach.
It also explained the weird sense of ownership and gratification FIL got from the bestowal of certain coveted church callings on my husband. It actually made life temporarily better for everyone, since the reflected glory he got from his high value son now fed him narcissistic supply that protected MIL and my children and me from the worst of it for over a decade, until the calling came to an end an another assignment given that was not so visible or valued.
Then the dressing downs resumed, and the glee at bad news of any kind. Still, he can't compete; he knows I and others are disappointed that he is so little like my husband, his son; and the desperation and fear and green violence just under the surface waiting and hoping to be catalyzed into destructive action erupts now and again to demonstrate the truth of that.
I didn't realize the depths of desperate envy and covetousness running like a dark undercurrent in my husband's family for many years. This was because I did not experience it in my own, and I did not recognize it, except to feel sorrow and grief from the stunted family relationships and the failure of maturity that I could not understand or explain.
Dante's definition of envy and covetousness is "love of one's own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs." In our case,the envy began fairly soon, since my husband from the moment we moved back to the farm, was successful materially and given the reputation and respect that his father and brother craved and rarely received.
It explained why FIL loved to dress down my husband for perceived slights and disobediences in front of strangers. It explained why he encouraged and exploited the envy of Brother and Sister Twin for the rest of the family, why he reveled in hearing them recount unforgiven childhood slights magnified into adult competition of the worst kind. It came close to giving me understanding that FIL's own relationship with his own parents and siblings was less than ideal, so the failure of his own children to live harmoniously would not be a reproach.
It also explained the weird sense of ownership and gratification FIL got from the bestowal of certain coveted church callings on my husband. It actually made life temporarily better for everyone, since the reflected glory he got from his high value son now fed him narcissistic supply that protected MIL and my children and me from the worst of it for over a decade, until the calling came to an end an another assignment given that was not so visible or valued.
Then the dressing downs resumed, and the glee at bad news of any kind. Still, he can't compete; he knows I and others are disappointed that he is so little like my husband, his son; and the desperation and fear and green violence just under the surface waiting and hoping to be catalyzed into destructive action erupts now and again to demonstrate the truth of that.
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