"The most telling thing that narcissists do is contradict themselves. . . They will contradict FACTS. They will lie to you about things that you did together. They will misquote you to yourself. If you disagree with them, they'll say you're lying, making stuff up, or are crazy." http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html
The first time I became aware of the depths of FIL's contrary nature was when I began to fear for the safety and health of my MIL, and I went down to talk some sense into him. I brought a quote from one of our spiritual leaders who said treating your wife with love and concern is the most important thing you will do in your life, and that I worried about his eternal salvation because of the way he was treating his wife. He didn't believe that, he became outraged, he outright denied he had ever mistreated anyone, and not only that, I was mistreating him and needed to repent for thinking such cruel things about him.
I was young and perhaps foolish, but I was taken aback. It was like talking into a tornado. I began to wonder about his sanity. I felt someone needed to call him on his bad behavior. I genuinely feared for my mother in law. She had had a series of accidents including a possibly fatal car accident, a broken arm tripping over a rug, and another car wreck. Following each of these accidents her husband treated her kindly, for awhile.
No one else dared call him on what he did. My MIL told me he "perceives" things differently than other people. I told her with a young person's confidence that what was real and true ought to stand on its own.
I've thought about that conversation since, and although it's true we filter our lives through our experiences, I've come to realize that some people's self-promoting perceptions often come at the expense of those living in the real, true world. MIL fed her husband's fantasy in order to protect her and other family members from his wrath. This has resulted in distorted relationships and entrenched his perception of himself as someone he was not.
The youngest sister overheard my aborted conversation with her father, and told me that I was the only one who could talk to him that way.
For some reason he wanted my good opinion of him, and he behaved well around me until an incident came up which I will comment on some other time. As I mentioned earlier, my ability to intimidate him came from my background and education. I had sufficient intuition to avoid getting myself into any sort of dependence on him, any request or favor, although he still tries to press "gifts" on me such as produce from his garden, tomato plants he raised from seed, skinned rabbits, skinned chickens, skinned turkeys, shopping trips in place of Christmas presents, in order to elicit a supply of thanks or to get me in his debt. At this point in my life I will accept nothing from him if I can help it.
I have had conversations with my FIL which are bizarre and ventured into the realms of the absurd. You could get whiplash trying to make sense of the verbal exchange, (it couldn't be considered a conversation,) especially when he feels threatened or belittled and is trying to reassert his favorable image of himself.
It was only when our nephew came to work with us and comment on his grandfather's lack of truthfulness that my husband began to realize that his father wasn't just contrary and contradictory by nature, he was deliberately and manipulatively mendacious. It isn't a conclusion one wants to reach, and one which his family resisted for too many years. My nephew used to look up to his grandfather, and now he avoids him.
The first time I became aware of the depths of FIL's contrary nature was when I began to fear for the safety and health of my MIL, and I went down to talk some sense into him. I brought a quote from one of our spiritual leaders who said treating your wife with love and concern is the most important thing you will do in your life, and that I worried about his eternal salvation because of the way he was treating his wife. He didn't believe that, he became outraged, he outright denied he had ever mistreated anyone, and not only that, I was mistreating him and needed to repent for thinking such cruel things about him.
I was young and perhaps foolish, but I was taken aback. It was like talking into a tornado. I began to wonder about his sanity. I felt someone needed to call him on his bad behavior. I genuinely feared for my mother in law. She had had a series of accidents including a possibly fatal car accident, a broken arm tripping over a rug, and another car wreck. Following each of these accidents her husband treated her kindly, for awhile.
No one else dared call him on what he did. My MIL told me he "perceives" things differently than other people. I told her with a young person's confidence that what was real and true ought to stand on its own.
I've thought about that conversation since, and although it's true we filter our lives through our experiences, I've come to realize that some people's self-promoting perceptions often come at the expense of those living in the real, true world. MIL fed her husband's fantasy in order to protect her and other family members from his wrath. This has resulted in distorted relationships and entrenched his perception of himself as someone he was not.
The youngest sister overheard my aborted conversation with her father, and told me that I was the only one who could talk to him that way.
For some reason he wanted my good opinion of him, and he behaved well around me until an incident came up which I will comment on some other time. As I mentioned earlier, my ability to intimidate him came from my background and education. I had sufficient intuition to avoid getting myself into any sort of dependence on him, any request or favor, although he still tries to press "gifts" on me such as produce from his garden, tomato plants he raised from seed, skinned rabbits, skinned chickens, skinned turkeys, shopping trips in place of Christmas presents, in order to elicit a supply of thanks or to get me in his debt. At this point in my life I will accept nothing from him if I can help it.
I have had conversations with my FIL which are bizarre and ventured into the realms of the absurd. You could get whiplash trying to make sense of the verbal exchange, (it couldn't be considered a conversation,) especially when he feels threatened or belittled and is trying to reassert his favorable image of himself.
It was only when our nephew came to work with us and comment on his grandfather's lack of truthfulness that my husband began to realize that his father wasn't just contrary and contradictory by nature, he was deliberately and manipulatively mendacious. It isn't a conclusion one wants to reach, and one which his family resisted for too many years. My nephew used to look up to his grandfather, and now he avoids him.
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